Friday, August 19, 2011

That desire to wander is welling up in me again. Since I don't have a definite plan the next chunk of my life, most of me wants to open up a map, throw a dart, and head out... Adventure, travel, meeting new people, learning new things... The other part of me wonders where I think I'd get the money...

But I still want to travel.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I read this great quote by someone today. I was walking downstairs and there's this book... it's called "Growing Up" and it's a devotional guide or something, but I think to myself "wow, here's the manual they forgot to give me when I graduated or something"... I've always thought this growing up thing should come with a guide. Anyways, I flip through it and read this quote. It's this great thing from Bonhoeffer, when he's in prison. anyways- here is part of this writing/prayer :

"Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine."

And how true is this? That when I don't know who I am, or who I have been, or who I will be- God knows. It's comforting and terrifying. It's beautiful and revolting. I struggle so much with personal identity and pleasing others and being good and trying to figure out the right path for my future. And I have all these questions. And I'm this person that loves conclusions and closure. I don't have it, and I'll never have it, not until it's all over. It will always be a mystery, no matter how much time I spend trying to figure it all out, because there will always be the unknown before me. But God, the greatest of all Unknowns... he knows. He knows who I am now, he knows the future me. Not just that he knows who I will be in the future- he knows that me already. How much peace does that bring on a day to day basis? Not much, when I'm worried about everything. But when I sit and really remember him- then it brings peace. Who I am doesn't matter. Who He is does.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I have some big decisions coming up tomorrow...

1. To Korea or not to Korea
2. To move from the Smiths' house or to stay with them for a while (they've been ridiculously gracious in the past 3 months but I don't want to wear out my welcome).

Also, I have a job interview for Banana Republic in Circle Centre...

anyways. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I don't like change, and it's all hitting at once. Pray please?