The Knot Prayer (author unknown)

Dear God: Please untie the knows that are in my mind, my heart and my life. Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots, would nots, and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, heart, and my life all of the "am nots" that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough. Amen

Found this on Post Secret Archives... and basically... it's my secret, too. Though I didn't send it in, this is what every beat of my heart tells me. I long to find "home."

Today:

- Was asked where I was from, then was told I look Norwegian - Shattered a wine glass in attempting to polish it - Worked 11+ hours - Served a table full of Manic Pixie Dream Girls - Saw a photo shoot of newlyweds at the bar area of our restaurant - Spoke too much about someone behind her back - Got really frustrated - Drank a lot of coffee - Dropped a wine bottle (empty) in the street - Put my hip out - Laughed - Ate delicious food (Stuffed pork medallions at Plum's Upper Room- eat them. Die happy) - Considered more ways to wear my fabulous (but not worn enough) tall brown boots - Stayed on Pinterest too long - Made decent tips - Saw my busiest Saturday to date - Survived to live another week

Confession: I only really seek God (and I mean really, truly seek) when I want something. Doesn't matter what it is- an answer, direction, whatever... that's when I'm truly interested.

All the other times, it has sort of become a non-issue.

And I'm challenged every time I recognize this in myself.(Confession: This is not the first time I've realized this.)

Ohp. I haven't updated in nearly a month... I guess some things have changed in my life. So, here's a quick rundown of everything.

1- Korea does not appear to be happening. The door did not slam shut, but it was the quiet, pushing a cat's nose out of the door type of movement (with me being the cat here).

2- Transition to Teaching. I'm planning on taking an 18-month program through IWU, getting my teaching license, and... yeah. I don't actually want to teach, which sounds silly, I know. But I do love tutoring and would love to do something like that, and it takes a teaching license to do it. So there.

3- Got a job at a restaurant in downtown Zionsville. Two restaurants, actually. They're owned and operated by the same people. They are G. Simone's (moderately-price, lighter fare) and Plum's Upper Room (casual fine dining). I'm training to become a server. I'm also still working at Banana downtown. Also, I may through in a couple random hours for the children's clothing shop Laura (the woman I live with) works at.

4- I will have a house as of mid-November. Not an actual house that I own, just one to stay at. There's a couple in Z-ville that winters in Florida, so I'll have it from mid-November to sometime in May. It's incredibly well-priced, and it's a house! Yay!

So that about wraps it up... excluding my new hair cut, which you've probably seen on facebook, and my new glasses (lovely tortoise shell Ray Bans...)... and a pair or two of new boots...
Life after college. Wow.

That desire to wander is welling up in me again. Since I don't have a definite plan the next chunk of my life, most of me wants to open up a map, throw a dart, and head out... Adventure, travel, meeting new people, learning new things... The other part of me wonders where I think I'd get the money...

But I still want to travel.

I read this great quote by someone today. I was walking downstairs and there's this book... it's called "Growing Up" and it's a devotional guide or something, but I think to myself "wow, here's the manual they forgot to give me when I graduated or something"... I've always thought this growing up thing should come with a guide. Anyways, I flip through it and read this quote. It's this great thing from Bonhoeffer, when he's in prison. anyways- here is part of this writing/prayer :

"Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine."

And how true is this? That when I don't know who I am, or who I have been, or who I will be- God knows. It's comforting and terrifying. It's beautiful and revolting. I struggle so much with personal identity and pleasing others and being good and trying to figure out the right path for my future. And I have all these questions. And I'm this person that loves conclusions and closure. I don't have it, and I'll never have it, not until it's all over. It will always be a mystery, no matter how much time I spend trying to figure it all out, because there will always be the unknown before me. But God, the greatest of all Unknowns... he knows. He knows who I am now, he knows the future me. Not just that he knows who I will be in the future- he knows that me already. How much peace does that bring on a day to day basis? Not much, when I'm worried about everything. But when I sit and really remember him- then it brings peace. Who I am doesn't matter. Who He is does.

I have some big decisions coming up tomorrow...

1. To Korea or not to Korea
2. To move from the Smiths' house or to stay with them for a while (they've been ridiculously gracious in the past 3 months but I don't want to wear out my welcome).

Also, I have a job interview for Banana Republic in Circle Centre...

anyways. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I don't like change, and it's all hitting at once. Pray please?

Read this article on bad food.

What do you think?

So I just realized it's been a while since I've blogged, though I recently signed up for this website, 750words.com. It's this project where it's completely private and you try to write 750 words (3 typed pages) every day. Sort of as a "brain dump" or whatever. So far, I'm failing miserably at doing it consistently, but I'm getting better about it.

Let's see what has happened since I last blogged... Oh! My summer learning program, Summer Advantage, is rolling! We're heading into week 4 of 5 weeks, crazy that it's going so fast! I've spent the last 3 weeks with 17 kindergartners. They're ridiculously cute and ridiculously screwed up. Imagine a happy little classroom of elementary schoolers, right? Think of the "bad kid" in the class. Then multiply him by 17. That's my classroom. The thing is... they're not "the bad kids." Or... they don't mean to be. But home situations, a culture that tells them they have to be tough and mean to survive, a steady supply of teachers yelling at them and labeling them "the bad kid" and VOILA! A recipe for an unsuccessful education. So what we're doing is trying to have as much patience and understanding as we can, to talk to them about how they have the power to make decisions about their actions, and giving them as much love and attention as possible. Plus trying to do this with 17 kids all day... It's exhausting, to say the least.

The final Harry Potter movie came out the other night. I went to the midnight showing. As dorky as this may sound, I feel a sense of loss. My childhood friends are all grown up and fighting dark wizards... The whole magical world created in Rowling's mind is pretty much over. And, as Bethany blogged recently (here), it marks the passing of my own childhood. I guess graduation should have done this, but this feels like the sort of capstone. Now I have to go out, get a grown up job, pay bills, be responsible. Though that doesn't mean I won't escape into Harry's world often to reminisce and reread. :)

People keep asking what I'm doing at the end of the summer. The answer is... I don't know. This summer job ends in three weeks, and the plans I thought I had (Korea) just don't seem to be falling into place. I've sent out my resume to several places, all editing-type stuff (which is something I've always wanted to do)... I'm hoping I get a bite... Honestly, I'm not all that worried. I've waited for God to show me right up to the last second, and he hasn't let me down yet. So I have full faith that sometime in the next three weeks or so, something will open up. And it will be wonderful and will all fall into place. Not because "oh, I'm a Christian, so only good things happen to me" but because God has proven himself to be faithful over and over again... and I desire to know his will.

Anyways... that's where my mind's been lately. Sorry for the distance between blogs.

Okay, okay... I promise I'll quit with the blogs only displaying links... after this one. Before I kick the habit, here's a few articles I've been reading and thinking about lately...

Two financial-y ones:
Ten Reasons You Aren't Rich

5 Everyday Things You Don't Need

A thinker for Christians:
Why I Don't Sing the Star-Spangled Banner

One that Made me smile (pope+twitter=awesome)
Pope Sends first Tweet

A few articles I've found interesting lately

Three Steps to Shrink Spiritually


How to Talk to Little Girls


Love Accommodates

Today is only Wednesday, and it's already been a long week...
Usually when I have a long week, I like to... "splurge" a little. Okay, that shouldn't be in quotation marks. I splurge. No "" about it. So after a long day of curriculum training, I was on my way to find a mall when I decided I'd like a manicure instead. I started combing the strip malls I was passing until I found one.

Inside, I met a man named Ten. He told me it was Vietnamese for "forward" (which is pretty great, I think). We started talking and he found out I majored in English. So he told me about his attempts to get a GED- all he has left is to take the writing portion. So while getting a manicure, I taught Ten how to write an essay.

I love the little ways in which life intersects with others. It makes me feel all connected-y...

Prayer, please

So... I decided randomly to google the organization that I've been looking into to go with to Korea... and what I found was not good. There were several different sites where these types of programs can be rated- and it was rated very poorly, especially on the integrity level (I don't think I ever saw more than one or two out of five). So this worries me. A lot. So I'm praying a lot about whether I should pursue this organization, if I should still go to Korea, if I should look into another organization, if I should look into going somewhere else, or if I should find something else all together... And I would appreciate added prayers.

Also, on the same note. My cousin, Andrew, just graduated high school. He had planned on going to a one-year intensive Bible training thingie called Arrowhead... well, he just found out they're not going to run this year. So Andrew has a summer job and then his fall plans have dropped out from under him.

Also, another note- My sister, Carli, is trying to decide what she's going to do this fall as well. She attended a Christian school for a year of college, and is trying to decide whether to go back or find somewhere else... She's headed on a great trip in July-August (trip being used loosely, here... while she'll be traveling far from little ole' Indiana, she will certainly not be on vacation!)

So I guess our family needs some major guidance... Which we're trusting God for. He has never let us down, and I don't think he plans on starting now... But, being human, we worry. So pray for each of us as we try to decide the right step for each of us in August? Thanks, guys!


This is a terrible picture of all of us, but it was the only one on Facebook of just the three of us... Carli, me, Andrew... pray for usssss :)

When it comes to God-sized Dreams, you might get the next step. You might catch a glimpse of the vision. You might know where you think you’re going. But then…our big, mysterious God shows up and you realize you don’t have a clue. His ways are beyond figuring out. This doesn’t mean you’re missing something, doing it wrong, or are wrong the path. It just means He’s God and we’re not.

That’s the best and hardest part all wrapped into one.
- Renee Loux

"Four things that can never be recovered: The stone after it's thrown, the word after it's spoken, the occasion after it's missed, and the time after it's gone."

The things I regret the most are the things I didn't do.
I hate missed opportunities but often miss them simply out of fear.

Welcome to Sarajevo

So I watched an indie film called "Welcome to Sarajevo" tonight with the people I'm living with for the summer.
I don't usually like stuff like this, to be honest. Because it makes me feel uncomfortable. And it's not "fun." And there are explosions and gore, but it's not all stylized or super-entertaining.
But it's based on a true story about the siege of Sarajevo (Bosnia) in 1992. I was four. The kids in the movie,though actors, were based off real children, real people. They're my age now. They lived through one of the more modern wars, and it was horrific.

I've had things so good here. I've been so blessed.
I'm feeling more and more lately that it's time to give back.

New-found treat!

So a week or so ago, I went grocery shopping with my mother, who so graciously bought groceries in what I consider to be a house-warming gift. I had to have yogurt-it's one of my favorite things to eat in this whole world. And I insisted that I loved plain yogurt (though I got questioning looks from my mother)... turns out, she was right. It's vanilla yogurt that I'm fond of. So this large container of gross, plain yogurt sat in the fridge, mocking me. I didn't want to throw it out- what a waste of money! But I certainly did not want to eat it.
Well, in a stroke of genius (or so I'd like to think) I decided to try something-- honey and cinnamon (both natural antibiotics, by the way) stirred in. Verdict? DELICIOUS!

New favorite summer snack? I think so.

Confession of Sin

Almighty and Changeless Father,
Under the conviction of your Spirit we learn that the more we do, the worse we are; the more we know, the greater our foolishness becomes obvious, the more holiness we have, the more sinful we are revealed to be, the more we love, the more we love the wrong things. How little we love your truth and your ways! We neglect prayer by thinking we have prayed enough, by being proud that we have done only what we should have done, and needed to do. Grant that we might not be evangelical hypocrites, who sin in safety because grace abounds, who tell our lusts that Christ's blood permits them, who have no fear of God because of our salvation, who love evangelical preaching, churches, and Christians but who hate holiness. We are like buckets without bottoms, with no means to hold understanding of spiritual things, always learning at the gospel-well, but never holding water. Our consciences are without conviction, with nothing to repent of. Our wills are without power of decision or resolution. Our hearts are without affection. Give us broken hearts, that they might be filled with the water of grace, and the glory of our Redeemer.

-Arthur Bennett

I used to love running.
Okay, that is not true. Let's try again:
I used to run.
There. That was true. I used to run quite a bit, actually, for track several years ago (7, but who's counting?). I quit track my sophomore year of high school and haven't looked back.
I had several half-hearted attempts at getting back into it throughout college. I discovered treadmills took away the pain of the freezing cold of winter. I got new running shoes (only because there was a sale and my pair was really, really old). I swore to my roommates that THIS SEMESTER- this was it. We would... WORK OUT. And be good and stuff.
Yeah, didn't happen.
But in the back of my mind, I always told myself I'd start running after college. Maybe start doing 5ks and road races and stuff, you know, for fun.
Well. I graduated 13 days ago, and today on my way back to the house after work, I decided today was as good a day as any. Actually, it was better considering it has warmed up considerably.
So I did. I ran. Sort of. I jogged... and walked... and then... I swallowed a bug.

To say the least, it was a less than auspicious beginning.

I miss all of these girls

Sorry for the distinct lack of blog lately, it's been a crazy past few weeks.
To recap: Graduation. I finished up finals on Thursday morning (ending with a lovely one for Shakespeare by the fabulous Dr. Dan Strait), worked on packing up (did more whining than packing), and then began all the graduation festivities. Friday had graduation practice (during which my roommate, Joy, and I played I-spy via text) and my family came down in time for Baccalaureate. Saturday rolled around (after a late night of senior pranking), and I checked my email around 9am for the expected email... to no avail. So I went off and graduated (yay, hooray!)
After graduation came more packing, loading, maneuvering, goodbye-ing, hugging, coffee drinking, and driving home (for what I thought would be all summer). I made it home at the point where I had begun to... well, not hallucinate, but definitely imagine things that were not actually true (I had very little sleep that week, to be fair...)
Sunday morning, I slept in. I woke up and decided to check my email, and- there it was! Three beautiful emails about how I had a summer job. Sent on Saturday, one hour before graduation. So I had a job- in Indy. Wherever would I live?!
A few quick calls... and I found out the position will be somewhere in the northwest-ish part of Indy... Quite fortuitously, my aunt lives in Zionsville, connected me with her pastor and his wife and BAM- a place to live for the summer.
PLUS I called the Banana Republic down there and they're hiring, so I applied for an evening/weekend job.

God is so good. And getting a summer job, a place to live, and some much needed rest has made the past few days pretty cool.

Ten

There are ten days between me and a Bachelor of Arts degree. From wearing a silly gown and a ridiculous hat. From walking across a stage, hoping I don't trip in front of everyone, receiving a book that's actually empty (the actual diploma will come in the mail later). Ten days until my apartment- my home- is packed up, stripped of decorations, knick knacks, and memories. Ten days until I drive to Indiana (at least for the summer). Ten days until I'm a college grad (I am already one-- but this time, I'm not going back. At least not for a while).

I honestly can't find words to express how this feels. I am so excited. And so scared. I have no idea what my future holds. Even in ten days, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I am waiting back to hear about a summer job. I am hoping I get an email about an interview for a job in August. But it's all so tentative. If these things don't work out-- I have no plan. Even them working out is terrifying. It means a huge move (across an ocean and everything)...

Gah. I really don't know how to put what is going on in my mind. I guess this feeling is pretty normal. But what I wouldn't give for some clarity and stability...

Psalm 3:5-6 -- Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Another article to read...

This stuff makes me so heavy hearted... Thanks, dude, for telling it like it is. Because more parents need to hear it.

I have a couple phone interviews coming up soon- Including the first round for the EPIK program (English Programs in Korea). Pray please. :)

Okay. read this article first.


I guess I understand some people not wanting children. But this article just seems to be celebrating self-centeredness, instant gratification, and the pervading American mindset that “if this doesn’t make me happy right now, it can’t be worth it.” I just feel like some people need to grow up and to understand that yes, there will be elements in life that are unpleasant for a time, but it’s those things that make you into a stronger and better person.

Grow up.

Okay. So last blog, I discussed an opportunity. I've had the chance to talk with some of you about it, but here it is: I am in the process of applying for a teaching position in South Korea! I don't know 100% that this is the direction I'm supposed to go in, but I figured-- I'll apply, and if it's not God's will, He'll shut the right doors for me. But basically, I'm waiting on some reference letters and then it'll all get sent in.

What I know about the program:
- It's headed up by Korea's department of education
- I would be teaching English (obviously)
- I would be in a public school
- I would be the only foreign teacher in said school
- I would be there for a year
- I'd have my own apartment, etc.

What I don't know:
- Where I'll be placed (assuming it all goes through and I decide to go)
- How to speak Korean.
- What age group I'll be teaching (I requested middle/high but it's first-come-first-serve as far as the applications and preferences go)


My parents and friends are all being super supportive, which I'm soooo grateful for. I need all the prayer I can get... But this could very well be what I'm doing until August 2012 (ignoring the fact, of course, that the world is ending sometime around then).

Thanks for all your prayers and such!

Opportunity

I have come upon... an opportunity. It would involve the next year of my life and some major life changes. I just wanted to ask for prayer for guidance in this decision, because it appears that doors are opening, but I just want to be sure.

Thanks for praying. More later-- if I decide yes. :)

Lent 2011: A Franciscan Blessing from World Vision ACT:S on Vimeo.

Lent

God is really talking to me about surrender and what it means- I keep running into it all over the place. And I think it will be my focus for Lent. And i'm excited. And scared. Because surrender has never been my strong point...
I've always thought of Lent as a time to "give things up." This year, I have been struck with the idea that it is also a time to focus on something-- And since God seems keen on this "Surrender" idea, I suppose I should hop in and buckle up.
This might be a particularly difficult idea, because I'm also struck with the understanding that I tend to "surrender" things in order to get my way. You know-- if I let God have this, he'll see how good I'm being, and will give me something I want. Well, today He and I discussed how this ulterior-motive thing is just not going to work out. Yes, he wants to do good things in my life, but no, it won't be as a reward for "being good," and no, he's not withholding those things because I'm "not good enough yet."
It should be an interesting forty days, but I am looking forward to picking God's brain on the subject, on the implications it will have on my life, and well, what's going to come from it!

Well, I didn't get a "yes." But I got a "no."
I've been thinking a lot about where to live after college, where to work, what the heck to do with my life... you know, normal post-grad stuff.
I had been throwing around the idea of Miami for a while. Random,I know, but the idea was there. Well, as of this morning, it's not. I felt a total and definite "no" about that direction.
So apparently, we're working in reverse, here. You would think it would be easier, more logical, and more efficient to go the other way, but hey- this is God's game, not mine. And I guess he wants to work backwards.
I wonder when the "yes" is coming...

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

Some years, being single on Valentine's Day has made me sad. Some days, it has made me bitter.

This year, I just don't care. I have too much else to think about- like work and exams and future plans and all kinds of stuff. Today, I honestly forgot it was even coming up. I'll be dreadfully sleepy through most of February fourteenth, anyways.

It's sort of a relief.

Complete

I wrote this in my private blog as a sort of rant, then decided to change a bit and actually put it out there:

Today in class, a professor of mine talked about relationships. Namely, those in which people who once protested that they would never fall in love do, in fact, fall in love. He made a comment, which I'm sure he didn't mean it how it sounded, but that basically came to this: there are those girls (yes, he picked out girls in particular) that say they're complete by themselves. As though those silly, progressive, independent women were so cocky as to think they didn't need a man.
Here's the thing. I'm not progressive. In fact, I'm pretty darn conservative. I'm old-fashioned. I like the idea of a man. However, this does not mean that I "need" one. I don't need to be completed. God didn't create me to be half a person, doomed to walk the earth, searching for my perfect puzzle-piece-match to complete me. I am a whole, completed by God, not by a man. Complimented, yes! Completed, no.
People tell me all the time "don't worry, you'll find someone." Let me tell you about this "encouragement." It. Doesn't. Encourage. In fact, it tends to bring up something that I wasn't particularly worried about at that moment (this is not to say that it's never on my mind) and shoves it in my face. Wait- Don't worry? Should I have been worrying? Are YOU worrying? Now I'm worried that you're worried and think I should be, too.
It is possible that I may never get married. It just is. I am strong. Not strong-I-don't-need-anyone-I-can-do-anything-a-man-can. But I'm strong. Also, I feel a really strong pull on my heart towards a ministry that, honestly, might not be the safest environment for a marriage. So sometimes I do consider the idea that maybe I won't get married.
Sometimes, I tell myself I won't as a defense mechanism. If I don't believe it will happen, when it doesn't, I won't be disappointed, and if it does, I can be pleasantly surprised. But some people seem to take it upon themselves to point this out. To smirk, "knowingly," and tell me things like: Well, we'll see what happens when YOU fall in love.
Why do you say things like this? So that when/if I do find someone who compliments me, when/if I fall in love, you can say "I told you so"? Why would someone feel the need? I find it most unnecessary.
Don't try to "console" me in my singleness; don't try to rub it in my face when I fall in love. Just be content with me in my journey, and allow me to be content in it, too.

Things I do not know how to do:
create a resume,
find a grown-up job,
move furniture by myself,
wait for the right time to worry about these things.



Things I do know how to do:
knit scarves,
Identify parts of speech,
bake cookies.

You are beautiful

How many times have you been told this in your life? If you're being honest, probably not nearly enough.
I am fortunate to have the opportunity for an incredible minstry with women who are probably told this all the time. But, unfortunately, the people that are telling them this are not saying it out of the woman's best interest, and in all likelihood, it is being said with sexual undertones.
Beauty is something God-given. We were each made perfectly in His image, and were given the priviledge to be "the fairer sex." But beauty has been cheapened by over-sexualizing it. Not that we are not sexual beings, but sometimes, it's okay to be just "beautiful."
Tell someone they're beautiful today. Beautiful just the way they are, beautiful because God created them, beautiful because they are loved.
It's something everyone needs to hear.