Saturday, April 6, 2013

He restores my soul

I haven't blogged in a long time. And I think I begin every blog I DO write with that same sentence. I always have these things I want to write, and I write them in my head, but never quite get them down on paper or on the keyboard.

Anyways... Just wanted to write a sort of update on my life as it stands now.

I spent a year out in Ohio, which you might know. What you might not know is that the entire year, it felt more like a year in the desert. I have felt so lost for so long. This past year, I have struggled so much with where I was at, who I am, what defines me, who God is, how that relates to me, what I want to be, how I want to live my life, and so forth.

Part of what precipitated this was my unsettledness. I graduated high school seven years ago this spring. And I've realized that I've moved at LEAST twice every year for the past seven years. Sometimes that was just moving to other dorm rooms, but sometimes that was moving states (I've been in Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, back to Indiana, back to Kentucky, to Indianapolis, and then to Ohio). It's been exhausting to say the very least.

Out in Ohio, I went to a coffee shop where I had promised them a year of my time. All year, people would ask what was next-- and I had no idea. I always sort of thought I'd like to go back to Indianapolis, but I was never quite sure. So my time left in Ohio got shorter and shorter, and I still had no plan.

Finally, with no other plans, I decided I'd head back to my parents' for at least a short time to regroup and make a decision. But about a week before I was to move back to Indiana, my mom called with another idea-- My aunt, who lives in Indianapolis, would be taking a trip to Asia for about 2 weeks. Did I want to watch her yellow lab for that time?

I jumped at the chance- I don't love my hometown and wasn't exactly eager to be back. Plus this would take me back to the village (yes, village) I was in before moving to Ohio. So I've been hanging out with Dewey the VERY excitable yellow lab for around a week and a half now.

My aunt comes back Monday-ish, and I am still without any plans, a place to live, or a job. I swing back and forth between very nervous and kind of content. I know things tend to go last minute in my life, so I've just been waiting for something to fall into place.

The falling into place thing is something I've been feeling for about half a year. When I was trying to think about what I'd like to do when my time in Ohio was up, I'd pray about it and hear no clear direction. I only got this sense that all the pieces weren't in place yet, and when they were-- then I'd know.

Today I took Dewey on a walk through this little woods near the house (Side note: I LOVE the woods. It's a physical space where I feel most connected to God. I think because it offers some peace and quiet, and all the nature stuff is kind of cool). Anyways, I was thinking about how I have until Monday to make some decisions. I was standing on a bridge over a creek, and my overwhelming urge was to grab my phone and call someone (probably my mother, we talk on the phone A LOT...) And I realized how much I desire to hear a solid voice. So I told God this. "I want a VOICE, I want an answer! Just tell me that it's all going to be okay!"

And then a couple sentences from Psalm 23 came to me: "He leads me beside still water. He restores my soul." And after a year of living and feeling like the beginning of Psalm 22 was more my pace ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"), this promise brought a peace to my heart. He restores my soul. My soul that has been hurt and lost and damaged and broken this year, He restores it.

So do I have any actual plans for after Monday? No. But when those pieces come into place, I'll know. And God will continuously be working, restoring my soul.