What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us- AW Tozer

This was the quote our pastor started off with in church today. I had heard it before, but never really thought about it before today. But within the context of things in my life, and what I've been struggling with spiritually, the quote really made me think.

Surrender is not a word I like. Losing control of things is my idea of a horrible time. In fact, I live much of my life the way I do in order to keep control.

So of course, God has been speaking to me about giving up control. Which isn't really something I've wanted to talk about. At all.

I remember growing up and hearing missionaries who came into my church. They would tell little stories, with a humorous intent, that went like this: "I told God that I would do anything he wanted me to... except go to Africa." (And they would be there speaking about Africa, of course). Insert a chuckle from the congregation.

Except what these anecdotes helped form was my idea of God: Spiteful. He would pick the one thing I hated, the one thing I would never want to do, the one thing so outside my personality-- And the second I gave him control, He would make me do it. Just because He could.

So I lived in constant fear of what God would make me do if I let him have control over my life. I figured I knew what I wanted- so I would make better decisions for myself.

But I didn't. In fact, in the past 2 and half years, I've seen a very clear, very ugly picture of just what my choices, my decisions can lead to. I've watched myself lose control of some areas of my life, watched myself grasp at straws as things slipped out of my tight clutch. And it's been so painful to see the harsh reality of what I can be outside of God.

I still don't like to think about giving up control. But as He is bringing up those ideas in my life, He is also speaking to me words of grace. Words of forgiveness. Words about His provision. These aren't ideas that I'm used to. They don't mesh with my idea of the spiteful God. But He is being faithful to continue to speak these words into my life, through various places, and I know He will continue to do so until I reach the point where I am able to fully surrender

Because He has His best for me. It might not look how I think it should look. And that's okay. In fact, it's a very good thing.

In which I get all TMI-y again, and ask for advice

I know, in the back of my brain, that the idea that “all men are the same” is absurd. I really don’t believe it. It’s impossible. And I have known some truly wonderful men. But that hasn’t stopped me from treating all men as though they were the same. Not only that, but as though they were the enemy.

There are so many books and television shows and talks with your best girlfriends that revolve around this central point: men are sex-grubbing scumbags. And I have eaten it up (GIRLPOWERRR!). I has caused deep loathing, an us-against-them mentality, and in all honesty, a bit of fear.

I’ll put this out there- I’m a virgin. When sex started creeping into my consciousness, it was a matter of religion that kept me “pure.” But in my mid-teenage years, when that had faded (and even later, when it reclaimed a central role in my life), what stopped me wasn’t the idea of waiting for the right guy, what stopped me was this: I was not going to give any man the satisfaction of being my first. Sheer, outright spite for the male gender.

And so, as I’ve grown older, and have had men express their attraction (yes, even sexual attraction) to me, I’ve only been able to think they were jerks. With the most recent encounter, it wasn’t until much later that I realized how damaging my words and attitude were towards him. I constantly treated him like (and told him that) he was a jerk; when really, he expressed a healthy(ish)* amount of affection and attraction before approaching the sexual side of things. But that became all I could focus on- that he expressed sexual attraction, and was therefore the enemy.

I wish this had a happy ending for this, like I met this wonderful guy and POOF- all my insecurities and fears and misjudgments towards mankind fell away and we’re in a happy and healthy relationship… but that’s not the case. Probably because I’m jumping the gun writing this, since I’m only now figuring out this stuff about myself. I guess the ending ends up being more like… how do you drive the misconceptions out of your head and actually trust a guy (even if he, y’know, LIKES you)?

Maybe all this is TMI, maybe this is stuff I’m not supposed to talk about as a single Christian woman. Maybe no one gets this, or has been here. But maybe someone has, or at least has a piece of decent, useful advice.

*okay, if I’m being super honest, not a lot was super healthy about that whole thing, but that’s another story.

Re: The Belle Jar's discussion on a (humourous?) shirt and the rape culture implications

Okay, first of all, the blog post that got me thinking was this one. So read that first, I think.

Honestly, I'm going to skip over most of what was said regarding rape culture, because I don't want to get into that right now. Suffice it to say that I have seen evidence of rape culture, I'm not denying that. But it wasn't the shirt (though it's pretty terrible) or the discussion on rape culture that got under my skin. It was this paragraph:

The problem is that the real, underlying sentiment here is that the daughter is a man’s possession, not a person. She’s either her father’s “princess” or her boyfriend’s “conquest.” It’s clear that the daughter’s wants and desires mean nothing to her father – he says that he will dislike anyone that she dates simply because they are dating his daughter. It doesn’t matter whether this boyfriend (since the shirt is operating off the assumption that the daughter is cisgender and heterosexual) is a nice guy, whether he treats the daughter well, or even whether the daughter loves him – the father will still dislike him, based on the simple fact that this teenage boy wants to be physically close to his daughter.

Immediately I thought "WHAAAAAT?" I felt offended. I felt sad. I felt a surge of affection for my dad!

The thing is: My dad was super protective of me. Not in a stupid way, like that dumb T-shirt. No, his form of protection was to raise me as an independent thinker. He taught me to be a strong person (a strong woman, no less), he exemplified the Christian values he talked about (yes, part of the rest of the discussion will be from my Christian worldview), and... he taught me to wait.

The kicker is... I'm still waiting. At the ripe old age of 25, I'm still a virgin. And I'm proud of that. Even when this supposedly sexually liberated culture expects me to feel shame or humiliation over it. (I've read articles about losing your virginity where the idea was presented: "Just go out and do it. Get it over with. Then find someone good later.")

I'm not a princess. I've never felt need for the protection of a man or fear that I would lose my relationship with my father if I became sexually active.

I've had the "desires and wants" described in The Belle Jar's blog. I know and understand those tingly feelings.

I've had opportunity.

So why do I retain my status of "waiting?" Because my daddy taught me that I am worth something. That I didn't have to give into to the ridiculous sex drives of teenage boys to feel worth, that I can express my affection in ways that are not physical, and that I am strong enough to wait for a guy who will love and respect me (even if I ask him to wait).

My dad understood the drive of teenage (and twenty-something) guys, and taught me that I could decide for myself. He also did me the favor of talking to me when he didn't like a boy I was seeing. Because sometimes, even if "the daughter loves him," he's still not the right guy. Sometimes, fathers DO know best- especially when teenagers are involved.

I will forever be thankful for the gifts my dad has given me (the strength, the self-respect, the independence).I think it would have done a lot of girls some good to have a dad like mine. And the great thing about my protective dad is that when I meet that guy (the one who loves and respects me), my dad will love and respect him, too.

I tried to explain this to someone somewhat recently, but I couldn't have said it quite like this. Anyways, here's an interesting quote about young adult women, from Courtney Martin in her book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters:,

We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers. We carry the world of guilt — center of families, keeper of relationships, caretaker of friends — with a new world of control/ambition — rich, independent, powerful. We are the daughters of feminists who said, "You can be anything" and we heard "You have to be everything."

We must get A's. We must make money. We must save the world. We must be thin. We must be unflappable. We must be beautiful. We are the anorectics, the bulimics, the overexercisers, the overeaters. We must be perfect. We must make it look effortless.

I have to admit, I feel this so strongly somedays. And I hope by recognizing it, I can see how to defeat this prevailing attitude in my own life.

Summertime List

Things I should be doing today:

1- Sweeping the floors for the millionth time (not literally... but it feels like it)

2- Unpacking the 4 very large boxes of clothes that I haven't seen for 2 years (literally)

3- Hunting frantically for a job

4- Cleaning other various parts of my apartment

5- Maybe working on my tan for the 2 upcoming weddings I'll take part in this summer

6- Explore my new neighborhood so I know where things are when I need them

Things I am actually doing today:

1- Reading hilarious and insightful and culturally relevant blogs (and wondering if I can write them, if they make money, if I could make money in the same way that these seasoned writers are making money, and if they even make enough money to buy groceries.)

2- Sitting around in my underwear because it's too hot to wear anything and I refuse to turn on the air conditioning (I am not currently making the money)

3- Updating my GPS (which is actually one productive and useful thing! *pats self on back*)

4- Researching tattoo parlors and also cameras (both of which I am considering for my annual "birthday present to me")

5- Making lists of things that I may or may not actually accomplish today

6- Excitedly using the CRAP out of the newly installed internet in my apartment (I've never had my own internets before!)

He restores my soul

I haven't blogged in a long time. And I think I begin every blog I DO write with that same sentence. I always have these things I want to write, and I write them in my head, but never quite get them down on paper or on the keyboard.

Anyways... Just wanted to write a sort of update on my life as it stands now.

I spent a year out in Ohio, which you might know. What you might not know is that the entire year, it felt more like a year in the desert. I have felt so lost for so long. This past year, I have struggled so much with where I was at, who I am, what defines me, who God is, how that relates to me, what I want to be, how I want to live my life, and so forth.

Part of what precipitated this was my unsettledness. I graduated high school seven years ago this spring. And I've realized that I've moved at LEAST twice every year for the past seven years. Sometimes that was just moving to other dorm rooms, but sometimes that was moving states (I've been in Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, back to Indiana, back to Kentucky, to Indianapolis, and then to Ohio). It's been exhausting to say the very least.

Out in Ohio, I went to a coffee shop where I had promised them a year of my time. All year, people would ask what was next-- and I had no idea. I always sort of thought I'd like to go back to Indianapolis, but I was never quite sure. So my time left in Ohio got shorter and shorter, and I still had no plan.

Finally, with no other plans, I decided I'd head back to my parents' for at least a short time to regroup and make a decision. But about a week before I was to move back to Indiana, my mom called with another idea-- My aunt, who lives in Indianapolis, would be taking a trip to Asia for about 2 weeks. Did I want to watch her yellow lab for that time?

I jumped at the chance- I don't love my hometown and wasn't exactly eager to be back. Plus this would take me back to the village (yes, village) I was in before moving to Ohio. So I've been hanging out with Dewey the VERY excitable yellow lab for around a week and a half now.

My aunt comes back Monday-ish, and I am still without any plans, a place to live, or a job. I swing back and forth between very nervous and kind of content. I know things tend to go last minute in my life, so I've just been waiting for something to fall into place.

The falling into place thing is something I've been feeling for about half a year. When I was trying to think about what I'd like to do when my time in Ohio was up, I'd pray about it and hear no clear direction. I only got this sense that all the pieces weren't in place yet, and when they were-- then I'd know.

Today I took Dewey on a walk through this little woods near the house (Side note: I LOVE the woods. It's a physical space where I feel most connected to God. I think because it offers some peace and quiet, and all the nature stuff is kind of cool). Anyways, I was thinking about how I have until Monday to make some decisions. I was standing on a bridge over a creek, and my overwhelming urge was to grab my phone and call someone (probably my mother, we talk on the phone A LOT...) And I realized how much I desire to hear a solid voice. So I told God this. "I want a VOICE, I want an answer! Just tell me that it's all going to be okay!"

And then a couple sentences from Psalm 23 came to me: "He leads me beside still water. He restores my soul." And after a year of living and feeling like the beginning of Psalm 22 was more my pace ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"), this promise brought a peace to my heart. He restores my soul. My soul that has been hurt and lost and damaged and broken this year, He restores it.

So do I have any actual plans for after Monday? No. But when those pieces come into place, I'll know. And God will continuously be working, restoring my soul.

Dreams

I have these dreams. Coffee shop in Indianapolis, big-time editor in New York, living close to the people I love, big city adventures, being a mom, having a career... I don't know what to pursue. I don't know what to let die. I don't know if they can all fit together, perfectly aligned. Or if something has to be put aside. I don't know what will disappoint people. I don't know what will disappoint me. I have these dreams... And I'm not sure which direction to head in. But I'm going one day at a time, waiting for the next step to pop up, trying to remember that I don't have to have the next 60 years all planned out. (Hey- isn't that crazy? I have 60-ish years to get stuff done, if all goes well!) I think I just made myself feel a little bit better...

I'm cookie dough

"I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."- Okay, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a little dated and sometimes cheesy. But still wonderful and full of good quotes, AND- Joss Whedon. Also this quote pertains to me a lot, except I'm not the Slayer.

Ohio: The Update

So I've avoided updating for quite a while... Mostly because I haven't felt like I had anything worth updating about. Since I last blogged, I've mostly been working and watching TV. I read occasionally (just finished the first Game of Thrones book)... And I've been doing a lot of... transitioning. For me, this means wallowing, going through rather moody patches, and just generally being unpleasant. But hey- it's a process. And after about two months, I am starting to feel slightly settled.

This doesn't mean I'm not still thinking of Indy with great longing. But I am hating being here less (though I'm very doubtful about changing my mind and staying here longer- haha).

In thinking about it, I've actually done quite a bit since I last blogged- so a quick recap:

-On Easter, I traveled down to Wilmore to visit friends before they all graduated and left. Got to help Meredith set up her beautiful senior show (who knew how much work being an art major was?!)

-Then drove up to Indy to visit Pat and Laura and see Les Mis with them, which was such a great show!

-Got my first, on my own apartment. Set up electricity in my name for the first time (ick- growing up!)

-Have now visited both Canton and Akron (the Akron mall is a pretty good one, plus there's an Earth Fare nearby to tempt me to eat healthy)

-Bought and reread "The Hunger Games." Upon rereading, my verdict is this: very compelling plot, believable characters, but not particularly well-written. But it's an adolescent lit book, so I'll forgive it. Like Susanne Collins was holding her breath over this one... Also, I've seen the Hunger Games twice in theaters. Can I just say how much I loved it? The casting was spot-on, and while some details may not have been perfect, it was a pretty great on-screen adaptation.

-Turned 24 recently. I'm now in my mid-twenties. Not sure I like the feeling much... But I got to spend the day in Lima with my parents and sister. It made me realize (yet again) how lucky I am to just ENJOY my family. They are really great people.

-Dyed my hair DARK. It's near-black, but my reds can still show through. I'm loving it, a lot. Also recently got my hair cut even shorter. While I miss my long hair, I'm realizing that short hair is my best hair. Maybe someday, I'll grow it out again, but I'm having some fun with it at this length... except for the bit in the back that's recently decided it loves sticking straight out. Awesome.

-Recently started attending Newpointe Community Church in Dover. Well, I've gone twice anyways. I'm really enjoying it, and I just signed up for a small group there for the month of June; I'm really looking forward to what God can teach me through it.

Can't think of anything else exciting, but making this list has helped me realize that I've done more here than I thought I had!

Buckeyes, Bengals, Bearcats, and Browns.... Oh my.

Well, I've officially moved. If this is the first time you're hearing about it, don't worry. It was a pretty sudden thing. So let me walk you through this...

First, I was working at a restaurant in Zionsville. Loved the people I worked with... well, almost all of them. One in particular made it really hard to be around, so I decided I needed a new job. My dear friend Laura knew a woman who worked in a dentist's office and needed someone to come be a receptionist. So I did. But all the time, I kept feeling like... this isn't it. And what kept popping up in my head was this coffee shop my uncle had told me about out in Ohio.

So I found out the email address of the man who owns the coffee shop, and I emailed him. And I waited for a week, hearing nothing back. I prayed one morning- Okay, God. I guess this wasn't it, either. Well, whatever the next step is, show me. And that day, the man called me. He said I should come out and take a look at it, see what I think... and I did. That weekend, my mom and I drove out to Millersburg, Ohio...

I have to admit, I was very grumpy this weekend. Mostly because I already knew I'd be moving, and it's in the country, and I rather enjoy the city. Plus I'm a little tired of moving around at this point. But I sat and talked to this guy, Martin... and heard myself telling him yes, I'd return to Indiana, give my employer my two-week's notice and head out to Ohio.

So let me explain a little about the coffee shop that made me move several hundred miles away... again. Martin was a pastor and he felt like God was giving him a vision to open a coffee shop in order to reach people who wouldn't feel comfortable in a church setting. So he runs it as a non-profit and they have church here on Sunday mornings and stuff. And it's basically this cute little place where people can come in and eat and drink coffee and sit on the internet (like I am now)... and sometimes, they can talk to someone about Jesus.

Now let me talk to you about my "big dream." Ever since working at a coffee shop early in college (Smokey Row), I've loved the idea of one day having my own place. Of course, I always thought it'd be second career or something. I like the atmosphere of a coffee shop and I love the idea of ministry. So when I heard about this, I thought- cool. Two things I like in one. And then Martin (the man who runs the place, called Jitters, by the way) said that he would be willing to work with me and teach me to open my own place, giving me the tools and knowledge I would need to run a coffee shop of my own.

How this will look: I have no idea. I committed at least a year out here to work and to learn. I would loooove to head back to Indy eventually. And by eventually, I mean in a year. But we all know how plans go... especially in my life. So basically... I don't know when this will happen, or how it will happen, or where it will happen. But I'm being equipped in the next year to make it happen. Which is pretty cool, I think.

Your prayers would be appreciated as I embark on this adventure. I'm already in Ohio, living currently with a girl a year older than me who manages Jitters; I am planning on getting my own place at some point. I'm sad about leaving Zionsville, I really really loved Indianapolis. I'm sad about being further away from my family (though it's not as far away as Kentucky was)... and I'm getting pretty tired of moving. I'm ready to have a place to call "home." Jesus and I are talking, and I'm trying to convince him it should be Indy... but we'll see... :)

(This =/= me... I'm missing my Hoosier state, for sure!)

The Super-grump

"Sometimes it doesn’t hit me until I see the sky. Like, a lot of the sky. Most of the time, I actually just forget to look up. But walking back from the A train the other day, I remembered, and for a block or so, between buildings, I could see a sizable chunk of sky– clouds and everything. And I realized that I’d been thinking about deadlines and whether or not she meant to sound so irritated when she said that in the meeting and, of course, dinner. But then, when I looked at the sky, I was suddenly thinking about how perfect it is, to be alive. Being alive is this crazy, ridiculous, utterly ordinary gift. You were given it. Make sure you look at the sky." - Eat the Damn Cake This is something I need to remember way more often. Especially lately. I've been so crazy busy, what with 3 jobs and a general disatisfaction of life... that I forget that- wow, I really have a lot going for me. And by "a lot" I mean "everything." If I took the time I spent worrying or working or grumping around to remember all the people I love and who love me back, and all the blessings I have received, even recently- I would never be grumpy. Except in the mornings... right before coffee...

The Knot Prayer (author unknown)

Dear God: Please untie the knows that are in my mind, my heart and my life. Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots, would nots, and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, heart, and my life all of the "am nots" that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough. Amen

Found this on Post Secret Archives... and basically... it's my secret, too. Though I didn't send it in, this is what every beat of my heart tells me. I long to find "home."

Today:

- Was asked where I was from, then was told I look Norwegian - Shattered a wine glass in attempting to polish it - Worked 11+ hours - Served a table full of Manic Pixie Dream Girls - Saw a photo shoot of newlyweds at the bar area of our restaurant - Spoke too much about someone behind her back - Got really frustrated - Drank a lot of coffee - Dropped a wine bottle (empty) in the street - Put my hip out - Laughed - Ate delicious food (Stuffed pork medallions at Plum's Upper Room- eat them. Die happy) - Considered more ways to wear my fabulous (but not worn enough) tall brown boots - Stayed on Pinterest too long - Made decent tips - Saw my busiest Saturday to date - Survived to live another week

Confession: I only really seek God (and I mean really, truly seek) when I want something. Doesn't matter what it is- an answer, direction, whatever... that's when I'm truly interested.

All the other times, it has sort of become a non-issue.

And I'm challenged every time I recognize this in myself.(Confession: This is not the first time I've realized this.)

Ohp. I haven't updated in nearly a month... I guess some things have changed in my life. So, here's a quick rundown of everything.

1- Korea does not appear to be happening. The door did not slam shut, but it was the quiet, pushing a cat's nose out of the door type of movement (with me being the cat here).

2- Transition to Teaching. I'm planning on taking an 18-month program through IWU, getting my teaching license, and... yeah. I don't actually want to teach, which sounds silly, I know. But I do love tutoring and would love to do something like that, and it takes a teaching license to do it. So there.

3- Got a job at a restaurant in downtown Zionsville. Two restaurants, actually. They're owned and operated by the same people. They are G. Simone's (moderately-price, lighter fare) and Plum's Upper Room (casual fine dining). I'm training to become a server. I'm also still working at Banana downtown. Also, I may through in a couple random hours for the children's clothing shop Laura (the woman I live with) works at.

4- I will have a house as of mid-November. Not an actual house that I own, just one to stay at. There's a couple in Z-ville that winters in Florida, so I'll have it from mid-November to sometime in May. It's incredibly well-priced, and it's a house! Yay!

So that about wraps it up... excluding my new hair cut, which you've probably seen on facebook, and my new glasses (lovely tortoise shell Ray Bans...)... and a pair or two of new boots...
Life after college. Wow.

That desire to wander is welling up in me again. Since I don't have a definite plan the next chunk of my life, most of me wants to open up a map, throw a dart, and head out... Adventure, travel, meeting new people, learning new things... The other part of me wonders where I think I'd get the money...

But I still want to travel.

I read this great quote by someone today. I was walking downstairs and there's this book... it's called "Growing Up" and it's a devotional guide or something, but I think to myself "wow, here's the manual they forgot to give me when I graduated or something"... I've always thought this growing up thing should come with a guide. Anyways, I flip through it and read this quote. It's this great thing from Bonhoeffer, when he's in prison. anyways- here is part of this writing/prayer :

"Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine."

And how true is this? That when I don't know who I am, or who I have been, or who I will be- God knows. It's comforting and terrifying. It's beautiful and revolting. I struggle so much with personal identity and pleasing others and being good and trying to figure out the right path for my future. And I have all these questions. And I'm this person that loves conclusions and closure. I don't have it, and I'll never have it, not until it's all over. It will always be a mystery, no matter how much time I spend trying to figure it all out, because there will always be the unknown before me. But God, the greatest of all Unknowns... he knows. He knows who I am now, he knows the future me. Not just that he knows who I will be in the future- he knows that me already. How much peace does that bring on a day to day basis? Not much, when I'm worried about everything. But when I sit and really remember him- then it brings peace. Who I am doesn't matter. Who He is does.

I have some big decisions coming up tomorrow...

1. To Korea or not to Korea
2. To move from the Smiths' house or to stay with them for a while (they've been ridiculously gracious in the past 3 months but I don't want to wear out my welcome).

Also, I have a job interview for Banana Republic in Circle Centre...

anyways. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I don't like change, and it's all hitting at once. Pray please?

Read this article on bad food.

What do you think?