Confession: I only really seek God (and I mean really, truly seek) when I want something. Doesn't matter what it is- an answer, direction, whatever... that's when I'm truly interested.

All the other times, it has sort of become a non-issue.

And I'm challenged every time I recognize this in myself.(Confession: This is not the first time I've realized this.)

Ohp. I haven't updated in nearly a month... I guess some things have changed in my life. So, here's a quick rundown of everything.

1- Korea does not appear to be happening. The door did not slam shut, but it was the quiet, pushing a cat's nose out of the door type of movement (with me being the cat here).

2- Transition to Teaching. I'm planning on taking an 18-month program through IWU, getting my teaching license, and... yeah. I don't actually want to teach, which sounds silly, I know. But I do love tutoring and would love to do something like that, and it takes a teaching license to do it. So there.

3- Got a job at a restaurant in downtown Zionsville. Two restaurants, actually. They're owned and operated by the same people. They are G. Simone's (moderately-price, lighter fare) and Plum's Upper Room (casual fine dining). I'm training to become a server. I'm also still working at Banana downtown. Also, I may through in a couple random hours for the children's clothing shop Laura (the woman I live with) works at.

4- I will have a house as of mid-November. Not an actual house that I own, just one to stay at. There's a couple in Z-ville that winters in Florida, so I'll have it from mid-November to sometime in May. It's incredibly well-priced, and it's a house! Yay!

So that about wraps it up... excluding my new hair cut, which you've probably seen on facebook, and my new glasses (lovely tortoise shell Ray Bans...)... and a pair or two of new boots...
Life after college. Wow.

That desire to wander is welling up in me again. Since I don't have a definite plan the next chunk of my life, most of me wants to open up a map, throw a dart, and head out... Adventure, travel, meeting new people, learning new things... The other part of me wonders where I think I'd get the money...

But I still want to travel.

I read this great quote by someone today. I was walking downstairs and there's this book... it's called "Growing Up" and it's a devotional guide or something, but I think to myself "wow, here's the manual they forgot to give me when I graduated or something"... I've always thought this growing up thing should come with a guide. Anyways, I flip through it and read this quote. It's this great thing from Bonhoeffer, when he's in prison. anyways- here is part of this writing/prayer :

"Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine."

And how true is this? That when I don't know who I am, or who I have been, or who I will be- God knows. It's comforting and terrifying. It's beautiful and revolting. I struggle so much with personal identity and pleasing others and being good and trying to figure out the right path for my future. And I have all these questions. And I'm this person that loves conclusions and closure. I don't have it, and I'll never have it, not until it's all over. It will always be a mystery, no matter how much time I spend trying to figure it all out, because there will always be the unknown before me. But God, the greatest of all Unknowns... he knows. He knows who I am now, he knows the future me. Not just that he knows who I will be in the future- he knows that me already. How much peace does that bring on a day to day basis? Not much, when I'm worried about everything. But when I sit and really remember him- then it brings peace. Who I am doesn't matter. Who He is does.

I have some big decisions coming up tomorrow...

1. To Korea or not to Korea
2. To move from the Smiths' house or to stay with them for a while (they've been ridiculously gracious in the past 3 months but I don't want to wear out my welcome).

Also, I have a job interview for Banana Republic in Circle Centre...

anyways. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I don't like change, and it's all hitting at once. Pray please?

Read this article on bad food.

What do you think?

So I just realized it's been a while since I've blogged, though I recently signed up for this website, 750words.com. It's this project where it's completely private and you try to write 750 words (3 typed pages) every day. Sort of as a "brain dump" or whatever. So far, I'm failing miserably at doing it consistently, but I'm getting better about it.

Let's see what has happened since I last blogged... Oh! My summer learning program, Summer Advantage, is rolling! We're heading into week 4 of 5 weeks, crazy that it's going so fast! I've spent the last 3 weeks with 17 kindergartners. They're ridiculously cute and ridiculously screwed up. Imagine a happy little classroom of elementary schoolers, right? Think of the "bad kid" in the class. Then multiply him by 17. That's my classroom. The thing is... they're not "the bad kids." Or... they don't mean to be. But home situations, a culture that tells them they have to be tough and mean to survive, a steady supply of teachers yelling at them and labeling them "the bad kid" and VOILA! A recipe for an unsuccessful education. So what we're doing is trying to have as much patience and understanding as we can, to talk to them about how they have the power to make decisions about their actions, and giving them as much love and attention as possible. Plus trying to do this with 17 kids all day... It's exhausting, to say the least.

The final Harry Potter movie came out the other night. I went to the midnight showing. As dorky as this may sound, I feel a sense of loss. My childhood friends are all grown up and fighting dark wizards... The whole magical world created in Rowling's mind is pretty much over. And, as Bethany blogged recently (here), it marks the passing of my own childhood. I guess graduation should have done this, but this feels like the sort of capstone. Now I have to go out, get a grown up job, pay bills, be responsible. Though that doesn't mean I won't escape into Harry's world often to reminisce and reread. :)

People keep asking what I'm doing at the end of the summer. The answer is... I don't know. This summer job ends in three weeks, and the plans I thought I had (Korea) just don't seem to be falling into place. I've sent out my resume to several places, all editing-type stuff (which is something I've always wanted to do)... I'm hoping I get a bite... Honestly, I'm not all that worried. I've waited for God to show me right up to the last second, and he hasn't let me down yet. So I have full faith that sometime in the next three weeks or so, something will open up. And it will be wonderful and will all fall into place. Not because "oh, I'm a Christian, so only good things happen to me" but because God has proven himself to be faithful over and over again... and I desire to know his will.

Anyways... that's where my mind's been lately. Sorry for the distance between blogs.