What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us- AW Tozer
This was the quote our pastor started off with in church today. I had heard it before, but never really thought about it before today. But within the context of things in my life, and what I've been struggling with spiritually, the quote really made me think.
Surrender is not a word I like. Losing control of things is my idea of a horrible time. In fact, I live much of my life the way I do in order to keep control.
So of course, God has been speaking to me about giving up control. Which isn't really something I've wanted to talk about. At all.
I remember growing up and hearing missionaries who came into my church. They would tell little stories, with a humorous intent, that went like this: "I told God that I would do anything he wanted me to... except go to Africa." (And they would be there speaking about Africa, of course). Insert a chuckle from the congregation.
Except what these anecdotes helped form was my idea of God: Spiteful. He would pick the one thing I hated, the one thing I would never want to do, the one thing so outside my personality-- And the second I gave him control, He would make me do it. Just because He could.
So I lived in constant fear of what God would make me do if I let him have control over my life. I figured I knew what I wanted- so I would make better decisions for myself.
But I didn't. In fact, in the past 2 and half years, I've seen a very clear, very ugly picture of just what my choices, my decisions can lead to. I've watched myself lose control of some areas of my life, watched myself grasp at straws as things slipped out of my tight clutch. And it's been so painful to see the harsh reality of what I can be outside of God.
I still don't like to think about giving up control. But as He is bringing up those ideas in my life, He is also speaking to me words of grace. Words of forgiveness. Words about His provision. These aren't ideas that I'm used to. They don't mesh with my idea of the spiteful God. But He is being faithful to continue to speak these words into my life, through various places, and I know He will continue to do so until I reach the point where I am able to fully surrender
Because He has His best for me. It might not look how I think it should look. And that's okay. In fact, it's a very good thing.
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