In which I get all TMI-y again, and ask for advice

I know, in the back of my brain, that the idea that “all men are the same” is absurd. I really don’t believe it. It’s impossible. And I have known some truly wonderful men. But that hasn’t stopped me from treating all men as though they were the same. Not only that, but as though they were the enemy.

There are so many books and television shows and talks with your best girlfriends that revolve around this central point: men are sex-grubbing scumbags. And I have eaten it up (GIRLPOWERRR!). I has caused deep loathing, an us-against-them mentality, and in all honesty, a bit of fear.

I’ll put this out there- I’m a virgin. When sex started creeping into my consciousness, it was a matter of religion that kept me “pure.” But in my mid-teenage years, when that had faded (and even later, when it reclaimed a central role in my life), what stopped me wasn’t the idea of waiting for the right guy, what stopped me was this: I was not going to give any man the satisfaction of being my first. Sheer, outright spite for the male gender.

And so, as I’ve grown older, and have had men express their attraction (yes, even sexual attraction) to me, I’ve only been able to think they were jerks. With the most recent encounter, it wasn’t until much later that I realized how damaging my words and attitude were towards him. I constantly treated him like (and told him that) he was a jerk; when really, he expressed a healthy(ish)* amount of affection and attraction before approaching the sexual side of things. But that became all I could focus on- that he expressed sexual attraction, and was therefore the enemy.

I wish this had a happy ending for this, like I met this wonderful guy and POOF- all my insecurities and fears and misjudgments towards mankind fell away and we’re in a happy and healthy relationship… but that’s not the case. Probably because I’m jumping the gun writing this, since I’m only now figuring out this stuff about myself. I guess the ending ends up being more like… how do you drive the misconceptions out of your head and actually trust a guy (even if he, y’know, LIKES you)?

Maybe all this is TMI, maybe this is stuff I’m not supposed to talk about as a single Christian woman. Maybe no one gets this, or has been here. But maybe someone has, or at least has a piece of decent, useful advice.

*okay, if I’m being super honest, not a lot was super healthy about that whole thing, but that’s another story.

Re: The Belle Jar's discussion on a (humourous?) shirt and the rape culture implications

Okay, first of all, the blog post that got me thinking was this one. So read that first, I think.

Honestly, I'm going to skip over most of what was said regarding rape culture, because I don't want to get into that right now. Suffice it to say that I have seen evidence of rape culture, I'm not denying that. But it wasn't the shirt (though it's pretty terrible) or the discussion on rape culture that got under my skin. It was this paragraph:

The problem is that the real, underlying sentiment here is that the daughter is a man’s possession, not a person. She’s either her father’s “princess” or her boyfriend’s “conquest.” It’s clear that the daughter’s wants and desires mean nothing to her father – he says that he will dislike anyone that she dates simply because they are dating his daughter. It doesn’t matter whether this boyfriend (since the shirt is operating off the assumption that the daughter is cisgender and heterosexual) is a nice guy, whether he treats the daughter well, or even whether the daughter loves him – the father will still dislike him, based on the simple fact that this teenage boy wants to be physically close to his daughter.

Immediately I thought "WHAAAAAT?" I felt offended. I felt sad. I felt a surge of affection for my dad!

The thing is: My dad was super protective of me. Not in a stupid way, like that dumb T-shirt. No, his form of protection was to raise me as an independent thinker. He taught me to be a strong person (a strong woman, no less), he exemplified the Christian values he talked about (yes, part of the rest of the discussion will be from my Christian worldview), and... he taught me to wait.

The kicker is... I'm still waiting. At the ripe old age of 25, I'm still a virgin. And I'm proud of that. Even when this supposedly sexually liberated culture expects me to feel shame or humiliation over it. (I've read articles about losing your virginity where the idea was presented: "Just go out and do it. Get it over with. Then find someone good later.")

I'm not a princess. I've never felt need for the protection of a man or fear that I would lose my relationship with my father if I became sexually active.

I've had the "desires and wants" described in The Belle Jar's blog. I know and understand those tingly feelings.

I've had opportunity.

So why do I retain my status of "waiting?" Because my daddy taught me that I am worth something. That I didn't have to give into to the ridiculous sex drives of teenage boys to feel worth, that I can express my affection in ways that are not physical, and that I am strong enough to wait for a guy who will love and respect me (even if I ask him to wait).

My dad understood the drive of teenage (and twenty-something) guys, and taught me that I could decide for myself. He also did me the favor of talking to me when he didn't like a boy I was seeing. Because sometimes, even if "the daughter loves him," he's still not the right guy. Sometimes, fathers DO know best- especially when teenagers are involved.

I will forever be thankful for the gifts my dad has given me (the strength, the self-respect, the independence).I think it would have done a lot of girls some good to have a dad like mine. And the great thing about my protective dad is that when I meet that guy (the one who loves and respects me), my dad will love and respect him, too.