I know, in the back of my brain, that the idea that “all men are the same” is absurd. I really don’t believe it. It’s impossible. And I have known some truly wonderful men. But that hasn’t stopped me from treating all men as though they were the same. Not only that, but as though they were the enemy.
There are so many books and television shows and talks with your best girlfriends that revolve around this central point: men are sex-grubbing scumbags. And I have eaten it up (GIRLPOWERRR!). I has caused deep loathing, an us-against-them mentality, and in all honesty, a bit of fear.
I’ll put this out there- I’m a virgin. When sex started creeping into my consciousness, it was a matter of religion that kept me “pure.” But in my mid-teenage years, when that had faded (and even later, when it reclaimed a central role in my life), what stopped me wasn’t the idea of waiting for the right guy, what stopped me was this: I was not going to give any man the satisfaction of being my first. Sheer, outright spite for the male gender.
And so, as I’ve grown older, and have had men express their attraction (yes, even sexual attraction) to me, I’ve only been able to think they were jerks. With the most recent encounter, it wasn’t until much later that I realized how damaging my words and attitude were towards him. I constantly treated him like (and told him that) he was a jerk; when really, he expressed a healthy(ish)* amount of affection and attraction before approaching the sexual side of things. But that became all I could focus on- that he expressed sexual attraction, and was therefore the enemy.
I wish this had a happy ending for this, like I met this wonderful guy and POOF- all my insecurities and fears and misjudgments towards mankind fell away and we’re in a happy and healthy relationship… but that’s not the case. Probably because I’m jumping the gun writing this, since I’m only now figuring out this stuff about myself. I guess the ending ends up being more like… how do you drive the misconceptions out of your head and actually trust a guy (even if he, y’know, LIKES you)?
Maybe all this is TMI, maybe this is stuff I’m not supposed to talk about as a single Christian woman. Maybe no one gets this, or has been here. But maybe someone has, or at least has a piece of decent, useful advice.*okay, if I’m being super honest, not a lot was super healthy about that whole thing, but that’s another story.
I happen to think this is exactly what you should be thinking and writing about and exploring as a single, Christian woman. The past year I've been in a really similar place of hiding from men out of "strength" when it has really just been my own insecurities disguising themselves as confidence. It stinks, but it's part of the process, I would imagine, in exposing our weakness, realizing once again our need to depend on our Savior, and whether or not the right guy happens to come along when we think we're ready or not, God is still loving us and providing for our needs every day.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I miss you!